Your family loves you, your friends love you, your child loves you, God loves you, but it doesn’t seem like “he” does; and because he doesn’t love you like you love him, then nothing else seems to matter. Right now my girlfriend is coming to grips with the fact that the man she loved so dearly is not the man she thought he was.  It hurts so much and she can’t get pass the love she has for him. In her head, he was the one. Even after all the deceit and lies, it’s hard for her to see that she can love someone else, eventually. No matter what her family and friends say, she can’t wrap her head around moving on.

Listening to the endless stories made me tell her that it wasn’t about him anymore, but now it was about her and her self-esteem. Her mom loved her. She seemed to have a great relationship with her father. She is beautiful, smart, and charming. I couldn’t place my finger on what was the void that this loser was able to tap into. Why is it that she couldn’t find enough love from everyone around her, who has been supportive; or love within herself to move on? How much more love did she need? He had clearly shown her that he was worthless. The only thing I came up with is the love she had for herself had been damaged. It could have been from failed relationships in the past that made her feel that she was unsuccessful in that part of her life. Loving yourself doesn’t allow you to be the victim in abusive relationships, because you know that you deserve better. Even if it hurts to leave, you leave because your inner love doesn’t allow you to be content with bad treatment. I know it is easier said than done, but I’ve been there and know how little nonsense I tolerated when my self-esteem was at its highest. I could differentiate the fiction from reality. I knew what I believed, and I knew what I deserved, and no one could manipulate that with words and emotions. However, when it was at its lowest, I clung onto any little truth, in hopes that it would change the existence of the lies.

Far too many women suffer from a lack of inner love, or not knowing how to be properly loved by a man. It could be a bad relationship with their dad or growing up in a destructive household that didn’t promote young women to be confident in their thoughts and actions; then some jerk comes along and makes them think that their self-worth is wrapped up in loving him. Everyone wants a partner to love them, but we have to love ourselves first to accept the right type of love. We all know in our gut when a person isn’t loving us the way we want to be loved. However, we try to defy the reality of the situation. People don’t lie to themselves. What you feel in your gut is what it is. Wanting to believe differently manipulates the facts. I hope we all try to work on ourselves everyday to improve on our inner confidence.

Everyday I see little girls, who want to be accepted by a guy, become prey to his desires and not her own. Those types of self-esteem issues start at home. Daughters need to be exalted and encouraged to be strong-willed and undaunted. That confidence is reassured even more when it is coming from her father or a male figure. I always tell my male friends to treat their daughters like princesses and be good to her mother, whatever the circumstances. Be their first valentine, because you set the standard for other men to follow. Even if she meets a jerk that breaks her heart and takes her for a loop, that too shall pass. Her confidence will eventually rest assure on that fact that her dad and family love and cherish her opinions, her beauty, and her heart. The love you instill in her will continue to grow as she ages. And at the end of the day, no matter the situation, he will be able to say, “I’m alright.”

When I first met Jill Henry I was working in radio and she was working for a magazine. She was a small, petite woman with a quiet demeanor. Boy was I fooled!  Jill is far from quiet and her vision and creative flair will be unveiled in one minute of conversation. I think the better word to describe her would have been poised with a strong disposition. Her creative edge was not revealed fully to me until she broke off from the magazine and formed her own multimedia design firm called Savant Marketing, which specializes in publishing, advertising, design and imaging.  Presently Jill continuously spawns out new ideas and visions of work for my clients. It is out-the-box thinking and an innovative spin on the invitations, presentation packaging, sponsorship decks, business cards, etc. Her work fits right inline with what I see and what my clients foresee.

Jill is definitely not the loudest one when you first meet her, but I think her punch is in her imagination; even a visit to her home for a house party re-confirmed my notion. Her home was decadent with all types of creative ideas and quirks that gave a homely but eclectic vibe. I marveled at all of her artistry and clever designs that she created. Then the party began and loads of people trickled through that front door as Jill cooked up tons of food. She’s a great cook too. The music started and the house party was something right out of a movie; tasty food, good music, great conversations with fabulous people. That petite woman turned into the matriarch of the crowd.  For me the experience was warm, inviting, and loving.

Jill and I have worked with each other through the years and I have always been pleasantly surprised with her concepts. Her team are diligent, imaging gurus. She has supported me on imaging Sonje’ Productions and I thank her for it. She is someone I trust to deliver, time in and time out, and her work speaks for herself. I recommend her to anyone who needs guidance in developing their business image portfolio.

http://www.facebook.com/Jillhenry

This Sunday October, 17th, will be my first fashion show/friendraiser for Dress For Success in Baltimore at the Tremont Grand, located at 225 North Charles Street. The door opens at 2:00 pm allowing guests to be able to enjoy our Fashion Market and silent auction. In our Fashion Market, designers like Doll House Boutique, Descai Collection, Aidah Collections, White House Black Market, will showcase their fall collections giving our attendees an opportunity to stock their closets with designer goods before the show begins. Then our hair and make-up gurus, Vixxen Salon, Mane Obsessionz, and Salon Lamour will give hair exhibitions transforming Dress For Success clients into works of art.

I’ve produced several  fashions shows but what makes this special is the cause behind it. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am all about empowering women and that is what Dress for Success is about. I have seen women actually transform, in a matter of weeks, from being uncertain about their place in the show to being a confident, striding model down the runway.  They walked in with their heads down and have walked out with their heads up. Dress for Success is primarily known for supplying suits for underserved women to get them back into the workforce, but the organization is also a vehicle of self-empowerment for these women. It gives them the support system to understand that someone believes in them and their dreams; whatever life has dealt them, there is an opportunity to have a second chance. To me, they are the hidden charms of Baltimore because they are resilient about beating the odds.

For the second year in a row, author/philanthropist Al Reynolds will be the host of the event. Sullivans Steakhouse is catering the event and several other sponsors like PNC Bank, Hair Cuttery, Associated Black Charities, and Maryland Transit Authority are all on board to support the DFS mission. It is an exciting time and it will be great to see women who were not confident to be strong, beautiful, and brazen emerge as “charms of the city”.

Also special thanks to our host committee members: Comptroller Joan Pratt, Diane Bell-McCoy, Carla Nelson, Whitney Ransom, and Stephanie Freeman.

Tickets available at the door and http://www.dressforsuccess.org/baltimore

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been struggling with this Bishop Eddie Long story. I kind of ignored it at first but as the media blitz continued I began to read more and more. The more I read, the more dishearthened I got about what is actually going on in these churches. I gawked at the pictures that were posted of him posing in workout gear and my heart saddened as I looked at videos of his accusers crying out for his attention and apology. Patiently I waited to hear what his response would be because the evidence in the media was becoming overwhelming. As the circus continued, in my opinion, Bishop Long failed to rise to the occasion that Sunday morning and give any clear answers to the allegations. His answer was vague and ambiguous without any outright denial of being guilty. Looking at him and his pompous answer made me look at my own spiritual following and question whether we are allowing these ministers to get away with heinous acts and not be held accountable. We get up and shout in their defense without looking at the possible people they may have hurt, or get the facts to make a just decision for ourselves.

I, too, am guilty of defending my minister tooth or nail without really investigating the accusations. I’ve called his accusers “liars” and went to bat for him claiming he was a modern-day “David”; a man with flaws but still a man of God. I didn’t have the concrete facts, but I wanted to believe he was in the right. Doing so, however, allows these people to skate through the accountability for any wrong doing; and not, publicly or privately, get the proper help they need to address any “sickness” they have, whether it be women, men, or children. For years I’ve struggled with this denial and prayed about it because I wanted to believe in the good and not accept the reality. I’m not saying that anyone should be guilty before tried but I am saying that where there is smoke, there may be fire. Don’t count out any possibilities before making your own judgement based on the facts at hand. No one is perfect but when you have a congregation of people who look to a minister for guidance there can not be blatant hypocrisy that is masked to protect anyone. Because when the truth is revealed, then that hypocrisy damages more people than that minister’s reputation. As long as the minister apologizes for his illicit behavior and seeks the counsel needed to stop his actions; only then the church and people will begin to heal. Otherwise, the gloom of pietism will loom over that church and its leadership.

I’ve always thought that God wanted us to use or own discernment with scripture, with interpretation, and with motive. Being sheep without questioning what we are thought doesn’t give you understanding of who God is and what Jesus’ mission was. For Christians, Jesus was always questioning the powers to be to seek answers or for them to be culpable for any blasphemous actions performed under the cloak of God. We will not be condemned for doing the same. I, personally, do not condemn any other religion, belief, or creed. I just honor the belief of good. Jesus was a man who lived a moral code of conduct. Whether you believe in him or not, his lifestyle was an exemplary of good. Many people call themselves Christian and do not do Christian like things. Believing in a faith, but not trying to implement the philosophy of goodwill which is thought by that faith defeats the purpose of your belief. We all stumble and we all fall but we can’t consistently use the notion of repentance to clear our conscience of our behavior. Doing things because you know in Christianity you will be forgiven is not the right way to live and many people abuse that sacrament. My last thought to all is to try and be a great person; love others, be kind and helpful, and never shy away from making someone happy by your deeds. Making that your mantra without all the other bells and whistles is as simple as apple pie.

Black Hair- the topic of many discussions. We have read that the hair care industry makes billions of dollars a year. From weaves to relaxers, that thing on top of our head is a cash cow. However, as I view most people’s hair, majority of it looks a mess. Over-processed hair, dependency on weaves, thinning hairlines, and extreme split ends that lead to breakage, all plague the heads of black women; and the poorer the woman the worse it gets. Every time I see a woman with bad hair, I want to grab them and give them a lesson in “Hair 101.” It’s like bad hair care is just passed down from generation to generation, and the more damaged the hair gets, the more weave is thrown into it to cover up the matter (which ultimately makes it worse). Weave is not the savior; hair education, and maintenance, is.

About four years ago I went natural. I couldn’t take what relaxers were doing to my scalp, because it is very sensitive. It was a grueling process but I eventually trained my hair to do what I needed it to do. I can wear it curly or straight, and it’s healthier and stronger than before. I’m a fan of natural hair and encourage everyone to do it, but it does take a lot of patience. Even though I don’t relax my hair, don’t think that I’m anti-relaxer or anti-weave. I just feel that everything has to be done correctly so as to not damage the actual hair on your head.

For instance, 3-4 years ago lace-front weaves became affordable to the masses, and now you see women with half their hairlines eaten away because they are abusing the process. Women are wearing them for months upon months, without giving their hair a break, and the glue has eroded their hairline. People get lazy, careless or are ill advised when it comes to their hair. Some hair stylists would rather have you spend that money on a full head of weave, instead of telling you to take a break and care for your natural locs. Or you are the stubborn one and have become addicted to something that isn’t even yours, while neglecting what is naturally yours.

I think we let people, and media, define what is beautiful and acceptable in our community. Only when someone like Rihanna sheds her golden weave to rock a funky short hair cut, or a figure like Amber Rose cuts off her hair and flaunts a blond caesar, do we take the plunge with him or her. We become carbon copies instead of wearing what best flatters us. Being trendy is fashionable, but not if the sacrifice exceeds the benefits. Most of us don’t have Beyonce’s money to bounce back from a trend gone wrong, but instead we are often times left with a hairstyle disaster to correct.  Just like some haute couture clothes are meant just for the runway, some hairstyles need to be reserved for the celebrities, unless you have the money for the upkeep.

My hairdresser(s) know how anal I am about my hair, but because of my persistence, my hair is healthy. And yes, I said hairdressers because no one person cuts, colors, styles, or does my hair the way I want it. It is ok to have more than one hairdresser who specializes in one thing for you. Your hair can become immune to certain processes and shampoos if it is monotonous, in my opinion.

Here are a couple of tips and products that I use to help keep my hair healthy. Some you’ve probably heard of before and chose to ignore, and some you haven’t.

1. Get a trim. I hate seeing girls with long hair and dead ends. It will grow back.

2. Change your weave. Stop wearing your weave until it’s hanging off of one thread or glue patch. If you can’t afford it, don’t get it.

3. In my opinion, constant use hair glue, or sewing in of the weave, without a month or two break to condition and nourish your real hair, weakens it and erodes the follicles.

4. Make sure your hair stylist is a good colorist and knows how to manage upkeep of color-processed hair. Color can cause extreme damage and breakage if not maintained. I sit under the dryer with a conditioner every time I go to the salon. I like Paul Mitchell color products.

5. I use Kerastase products, which can be expensive for most. However, if you can only afford one product from their line, I would suggest the Oleo-Relax Serum. I use it to protect my hair from any heat damage from blow dryers and flat irons. Ojun is another great line to alternate with. I carry my own products to the salon. I’m very anal about what is used on my hair.

6. Also, get a clear rinse every few months. It helps boost the shine of your hair without having to add unnecessary color.

7. Don’t let your hairstylist pressure you into anything. It is not their hair. It is yours.

8. If your hair is a mess, try a new hairdresser.

There are tons of women that look into a closet full of clothes and say they have nothing to wear. People think we are crazy, but sometimes, conceptually, it’s true. We cannot conceive in our minds what to put on, because most of our closets are packed with trendy, outdated, or bland pieces. The staples, that can usually pull together any outfit, are glaringly missing. I’m guilty of this myself, at times; I always go into the store with the intention to by a great piece that goes with everything, but leave with a show-stopping piece that just goes with itself. And what is funny is that I may be the most conservative shopper of all my friends.

A few years ago, I stumbled upon an article that Glamour magazine had put together of a list of all the pieces a woman should have in her closet. As I scanned the list of about 50 pieces, I think I had eight. I was in my twenties, so I deserved a pass. However, now, in my thirties, I’ve scoured my apartment trying to find the list that could possibly be the savior to my chronic fashion insanity. I can’t dress like my 26-year-old sister, with seasonal, trendy pieces; but I also can’t dress like my mom. Still, no matter what the age, I do think that there are some staple pieces that every woman should have in her closet. Those are the pieces you build around. Those pieces never fail, and they go with whatever trendy accessory or clothing piece is currently out. I’ve compiled a list of what I think is necessary in my closet for balance. Here are just few.  I hope you find them helpful.

**The key to all these pieces is the fit. You have to make sure everything fits well and is tailored to showcase your body in the best light. It can’t be too tight or too baggy.

1. Classic White Button Down Shirt -I wear this item for job interviews or casual business meetings. I would purchase at Club Monaco, J.Crew, or Banana Republic.

2. The Black Pump- this item can be thrown on with literally anything. Christian Louboutin is my preferred choice but you can find a great, classic pump with a lot great, less costly designers, like Dolce Vita. Just make sure it is of great quality and won’t have creases by the toe after a few wears.

3. The Blazer- this piece makes everything just a little more sophisticated. It can be worn with jeans, skirts, or thrown over dresses. Boyfriend blazers have made a big comeback, but I prefer the tailored blazer, which never goes out of style. J.Crew, Smythe, Elizabeth & James, and Theory all have great fitting blazers.

4. The black skirt- the pencil skirt is always a bona fide classic. However, I believe you can venture out a bit on this item and wear a fuller, below the knee, black skirt and still achieve the same chic look. Club Monaco, Theory, and BCBG all carry great skirts.

5. The Leather jacket- everyone needs a nicely fitted leather jacket. The leather has to look of great quality though. There are great finds out there that can look expensive but be inexpensive. I suggest black, or taupe, as a neutral pick to go with almost anything you wear. BB Dakota just came out with a well-priced leather jacket, but Vince usually wins my heart in this area.

It is always cool to be fun and add trendy pieces to your closet, but it serves no purpose to your pocket when those fashions go out of style and you don’t have these pieces as your forever “go-to” items. More to come…

As I get older, I’m beginning to understand more about why some relationships don’t end up working out or standing the test of time. I’ve come to the conclusion that people underestimate how important intimacy is in a relationship. I just finished watching Entourage, and it looks like Ari Gold is headed towards marital problems because of his lack of attentiveness to his wife and their relationship. He has a tendency to put other things before his relationship; in his case, his job, child, or friends, taking for granted that the relationship, and she, will always be there.

I’m not sure whether people are afraid, or simply don’t know how to have that intimate connection with their mate that is supercedes any other connection in their life, aside from the one with their God. They view the union as two separate entities coming together, but not as one cohesive unit. I’ve seen two people married, yet still living like they’re single. They pop into the marriage here and there to fulfill emotional and physical duties, but 90 percent of time they are with their friends and other people, living a very uncommitted life. You wouldn’t even know they were married unless they told you.

Children often add another dynamic to the relationship. Some men and women completely neglect their spouse/partner when a child is born, forgetting that that foundation needs to be just as strong in order to raise their child to be a loving, responsible individual. There are certain boundaries that need to be understood. I may alarm some when I state that a child should not take precedence over the marriage. For my religious folks, there are verses that support the theory of “God first, spouse second, children third.” However, some people fall more in love with their children than their partners, causing a rift in the relationship. In my opinion, pouring all the love into the child is a selfish way to protect themselves from the day-to -day woes of a marriage. Clinging to a child’s unconditional love allows a parent to have intimacy without the disappointments and frustrations associated with long-term, committed, adult relationships.

This is my second reference to The Cosby Show on my blog, but there are some fundamental values that that show showcased that are heavily overlooked today. We took it for granted then, but when we look back at Claire and Cliff’s relationship, nothing was more important than that. It was, in many ways, the basis of the entire show. They loved their kids, but it was very important that they made time for intimate moments with each other, aside from sex, and their kids understood those boundaries. Even their careers took a back seat to what was necessary for the union to work. Relationships don’t thrive on air. They need emotional, physical and spiritual fuel to work. Tons of marriages and relationships are surviving on air because people are too scared to commit 100 percent of their being to someone else. They’ll give it to their child, job or friends, and give 80 percent to their partner. And sadly enough, they don’t even realize what they are doing because they feel like getting married was a sufficient display of their commitment.

Some would call me an idealist, but I do want that marriage or relationship where I’m not thought of as a pronoun- “yeah, I’m with HER” as opposed to “we are together.” The “us” and “we” references provide a sense of intimacy and make me feel like he and I are in this together; that our bond is unbreakable and we are constantly taking steps to be closer, because that closeness helps us with the rearing of our children, careers, and life obstacles. Romantic love is great for shallow fulfillment, but intimate love is the deep, undeniable attachment between two people; one doesn’t work without the other. However, some people like to maintain their emotional independence within relationships because they feel more in control. The fear of dependence, heartbreak, or vulnerability makes them destroy their relationships from the inside out. Although intimacy isn’t the easiest thing for some individuals to grasp, it is necessary, from both men and women, on an everyday basis for a relationship to thrive. Some people understand that, and some never will.