I’ve never seen myself as a baby momma. Not saying an unplanned pregnancy can’t happen to me but I tell any man I’ve even had the conversation about children with that I’m not having a kid out-of-wedlock. So if he wants me to have his child, then he wants me to be his wife.  And it kind of irks me when I hear young girls mocking “That’s my baby daddy”, like it’s cute. It’s like the carriage before the horse is normal now. I remember the first time an ex boyfriend asked me if I was going to be his future baby momma. I snapped back, “I’m a wife not a baby momma”. He already had one of those.

Maybe because I grew up in a two-parent home and seeing my dad love my mom as his wife was deemed normal. My household wasn’t the most functional but regardless he was proud that she was his wife. I just think that people need to learn each other, see if they share the same values in child rearing before the misuse of contraception is brought into the equation. I know I have a certain way I want my child to be brought up and if my partner isn’t on the same wave length then it will cause strife for myself and the child. I don’t want to enforce one thing and my partner counter what I say to spite me because we’re beefing this week. When you raise a child, you raise a child on the same accord. Most people don’t even have those conversations or think about those aspects before conceiving a baby. Then the beefing, child support, and drama ensue.

I’ve heard the countless arguments about marriage and why does it matter but if it didn’t matter then it wouldn’t be this big debate to go through with it. From my perspective, I see something else happen in a man’s eyes when his girlfriend becomes his wife at that altar. It’s like a calm comes over his spirit and that woman is now part of him forever. She’s not just his child’s mom or his girlfriend but she’s now an extension of him. That’s scary for most men because it’s a different kind of concession of their heart. The wedding ceremony is a rite of passage where this woman becomes a responsibility now, not just the kids.   

Call me old fashion but those kinds of things matter. I just don’t see why people want to have kids out-of-wedlock. Marriage is the afterthought. Sometimes I think guys use the child as a placeholder for when they are ready to settle down. “I’m not ready now but you are the mother of my child so why not”. Giving of life is less important than giving of their vows. It’s so peculiar that a person has no problem being bound to someone forever with a child but can’t walk down the aisle. She isn’t the one for marriage but she is the one to have his baby?! Seems backwards to me.

I hope people start making smarter choices about conception. “Have a baby by me, baby” is a clever line in a song but not something to mirror your life after. Your child needs two parents who love each other and share the same values. Too many single parent homes in the African-American community exist. If a man doesn’t want to take the step to make you his wife, then you shouldn’t want to take the step to be the mother of his children. It’s a bit harsh but it’s my reality.