I’m going to try to write this blog without seeming like I’m coming down on men because it’s not all men but it’s a growing trend and something has got to give. I’ve always stared in an amazement when a man I was dating grabbed something for himself before he offered me anything. Or the ever so famous walk ahead of you like you’re supposed to follow like an obedient dog. My eyes have glared in the back of an ex-boyfriend’s head as he scarfed down a plate of food and then his eyes would get big at the afterthought of me and I would get a “My bad”. It made me think that either he was raised by savages or no one at all.
It’s unfortunate that decent men haven’t been in the households to raise their boys to be gentlemen and those little boys have had to rely on the drug dealers or the “pseudo-pimps” on the corner to teach them about men and women relationships. However I’ve encountered these mannerisms from the men who were raised with silverspoons in their mouths and middle class backgrounds as well. My friend blames the mothers. She says women are raising their sons to be selfish, narcissistic individuals which are crippling their interactions with other women. They don’t hold them accountable for anything and spoil them rotten by waiting on them. I was perplexed by that notion because wouldn’t a woman want to raise a son to be the man she would want to marry or date. A gentleman, who has no problem opening the door, carrying the heavy bag, or walking on the outside of the curb to protect her. Then my friend said a lot of women are also products of their environment and don’t set those standards for their sons or their mates. So then we are left with men whose social etiquettes towards a woman are non-existent.
I have been chastised by my significant others for having my expectations too high. One would call me old-fashion, but I do expect a man to offer to get my car washed if he sees it’s dirty. Yes, I expect a man to move whatever is on his front car seat so I can sit down before I have to ask. The simple things like consideration, sharing, and being kind I feel are lost by the men our age. Those were some of the very first characteristics we learned in kindergarten. I know I’m not lowering my expectations because I’m a lady and hope most women start demanding a certain level of gentleness and respect as well. The only gentleness I ‘ve seen some of these men have to concede to is the birth of a daughter. Some of these men are then forced to melt away that hard exterior and tackle the emotional interactions with their daughters. Making it the first time they have had to be considerate of a woman’s feelings before their own. Treating her like a lady is the only way to raise a lady.
Regardless of whether a man has had a daughter or not, that learning process of being a gentleman is not something that should be frowned upon. Men wanting a lady but aren’t willing to treat her like one doesn’t add up. Eventually the baby boys of America will grow up and realize that being a considerate person doesn’t make you a weak person. It sets the framework for a healthy relationship. The sooner people start to realize this, demand it, and implement it I think the better off our community will become.
I totally agree wuth this blog. I am trying 2 teach my only daughter that u are a female 1st and a lady there after. I dont pump gas when there is a man in the car I agree with front seat thing unless there is a elderly person there. I like bein treated with respect and alot of men just don’t do it b/c alot of females dont demand it!!!! Btw I am teaching my 2 boys how treat a LADY!!!!
Yayyy, Mommy! I’m sure you will have some fine young men on your hands.
Great blog Sonjay – there is a lot of room for a bigger discussion on this matter – because even though a man may have a daughter and he has a gentler kinder spirit because of his daughter – it often times does not translate to his relationship with a woman. Mothers and other women can help men with this – I intentionally left fathers and other men out because a decent man – respects his mother and his sisters and that is uusally where the empathetic grooming begins and as they grow up and away from their Mom – the women they interact with and the expectations of those women help to foster that behavior. Because the pickings are soooo slim I believe as women we have relaxed our expectations far too much and it has left men to do very little to get the whole cat and caboodle from a woman-hence selfish, less gentle, uncaring – girl you need to stop trippin cause I forgot to offer you something to eat, open the door for you, or bring you some meds cause you were sick……
Very very well put, Rochelle.
We always seem to tackle these issues at the back end totally ignoring the foundation or lack thereof on which this mentality came to be! However at this point it doesn’t matter; how do we hand it from here?
When I married I told my wife, do take out the trash, nor cut the grass. I will fuel and wash the cars and discipline the children as well as protect the home and provide to the next of my ability even to the neglect of myself. This is what she heard; you’re too weak to cut grass or take out the trash. I can take care of myself and the children and make my own money, (paraphrasing). Though I was saying “you are a flower, leave the dirt work to me” she felt I was challenging her independence and calling her weak in some snide way.
I agreed, women are crippling their sons an some attempt to make up the for the absence of the absentee father but these are the same women who foreknew this man has three children he doesn’t take care of now! These are women having children requiring no commitment but then want to hold the man accountable.
I must change the title, these are not men but boys. A man lives by his design and he designed to do one thing; “TAKE CARE OF”. He is designed to serve and live in service of his God, family and community. He fights the fight of rebelling against the low expectations that everyone has of him, in particular the “black man”.
Yesterday my son and I raced to the garage to see who would be there first to open my wife’s car door….these are the foot prints he’s seen since he was small. When he smart mouthed my wife I had to “dust him off” showing him that this woman would be protected even against her own children, that she would be cherished and honored and not to do so was a violation that would be dealt with swiftly and severely!
I’m sorry, I don’t want to be long winded here…
There’s enough blame to go around but here’s the simply answer:
Women; stop settling for less then you’re worth. You already know it’s a lie unless it has been proven by DEED!!!
Boy; MAN UP…this is not a request, it is a demand. Stop rushing off to die; babies on top of babies don’t prove you manhood, that’s easy punk stuff. If you have children, train them, teach them, care for them or the world will do it for you.
Man; Get off your lazy behinds and help these boys to become men. They’re everywhere you look and you can fuss at them, correct them, hold them accountable, expect more of them, hug them and tell them you believe in them. Yeah…you do owe them, they are the boys who will be coming to date your daughters, care for you when you are ill, lead this nation to either salvation or damnation….
Thank you for this comment. It is great that a man still reveres and respects a woman. You need to teach a class. 🙂
I too was raise by a single mother, (three girls, three boys). As much as she tried she could not teach me the art of manhood. I was fortunate that I may a choice to be better then my father was but here it is in a nut shell:
Every man is a good man! I know you’re saying WHAT! I don’t know if you are people/person of faith but God said something that been buried in our culture today and it’s this; “I will make for him a helper”. I’ve always been a “tough guy”, I was a Marine, I played semi-pro football for 13years, I ride motorcycles and scuba dive with sharks but it was my wife who taught me to “love my enemy”, she fills my gas tank when I’ve been splitting wood all day by bringing me a cold drink and assuring me she’s never seen a harder working man and she so appreciates what I do. She said “Honey I will leave the decision up to you” but never says “I told you so” if I was wrong simply hugs me and says “We’ll try again”.
I know her language and she knows mine!
Sonje I am teaching a class with every young man I can get my hands on but I find that young men are not the only ones afraid to talk about and face this issue head on; women are just as afraid!
Why is that?
I am absolutely thankful for you writing this blog, and the gentleman above for taking that approach with both his sons and wife! I can recall visiting a companion in NYC and literally having to power walk/chase him down just to keep up! Then tells me to hold onto his pocket! O_O What in the world!!!!
Yes,something has gone wrong during the rearing process of both men and women alike, to different degrees of course. But yes, knowing your worth is essential. That in itself will allow us as women to never settle for anything less. I’ll keep my “standards” right where they are.
Jdaymia….it’s not just about keeping the standard but also “Grooming” the man! The fact that you even attempted to keep up with the young man in N.Y. is the point! That, MY BABY SISTER is “Settling”.
The most successful practice I use in buying a car is to “walk away”. I research before I get there knowing what I want, what it cost and what profit the dealership is entitled too. I then make my proposal and if they will not meet me where I need to be met, I “walk away”. If they truly want my business then they meet me where I need to be met!
Every Man and every Woman are entitled to a profit however he needs to meet you at your needs and you need to meet him at his…aaaagghh getting a little scared now, hang on! This does not, I repeat, does not call for compromise (character). Why you say! Because we are different; we speak different languages, we see love differently and our design is different!
My wife never has to say “I Love you” because she always does! She does this in her domestic support, in the way encourages me, the loving way she submits to my headship in the household! I say “I Love you” because I know she loves to hear it, publicly declare that she is in charge of my household for she is the best at caring for it. I trust her with all the finances for she is shrewd and wise, a good business woman who pretty generous with my allowance. She know I will protect my home with my life and I know that she will live to serve it.
These things are “acts” not feelings; they are “actions”, not emotions for we do them even when we don’t want or feel like doing them…that is love!
Is the man willing to do this?
Are you willing to do this?
Will or have you had this conversation before you gave yourself away?
The event it detailed was actually one of the first times we actually met up to “get to know each other”, for lack of better words. Needless to say, not only did that leave a lasting impression, but it didn’t go much further than that meeting.
I have no intentions on settling, hence why I let that bird fly, but I feel like the “grooming the man” concept can be a bit tricky. But I do agree with everything you said. I like how you break down your love. And its obvious that its working for you. I can feel that resonating through the computer simply thru your words. I’m patiently anxious to get to that point, with whomever it may be that I’m intended to take that journey with. And I can say that yes, I am willing to put in the work to get to that point, where we can define our love and the way it works for us… However, it seems finding (not literally searching) a partner to reciprocate that seems to be the challenging part.
So until he’s been divinely placed, as ready as I claim to be, I will continue to require I be treated as a woman, as well as the lady that I am. I can recognize baby boy syndrome, and it has no longetivity with me. I humbly appreciate your insight! Its encouraging, to not only know men like you exist, but there will be in the next generation as well, as evidence from how you are raising your sons.
My sons are only three and I am only one! One of the reason I so love responding to blogs such as this is because we don’t speak enough about the problem much less do anything about it!
I would imagine at least 100 men and 100 women have seen this blog, viewed the title, read it’s contents and purposely stayed out of it fearing the reprocussions of knowing certain truths. Once you know then you have two choices….do something or do nothing!
If this conversations dies here, how will things get better!
We need to talk to one another, talk about each other, yell, shout, cry, laugh until we come to the resolution we so despearately need!
Will this die here and where are all my men who should be here?
I understand your sentiment. In all relationships, there is a teaching process. If a brother cares about you, he will adjust to your needs. Likewise, if you care enough about a brother, you should adjust as well.
Preach honey! I want my three daughters to demand respect and courtesy as they have been raised that way. They also see that in the way I treat all the Women in my life…except that one time when I punched you in the chest..lol
And slowly the subject is fading away…as if we settle for what is or resolution is not possible…fight daggonit….fight!!!
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